Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
