Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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