Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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