I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
