Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
