i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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