My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
