dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
