I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
