things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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