I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
