people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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