Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
