In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
