If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
