I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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