she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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