Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
