Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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