he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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