I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
