Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You took a bar mat shot.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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