Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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