I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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