There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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