And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
