I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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