i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
