I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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