do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
