Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
