Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
is that a dick in a sweater?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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