good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
