So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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