thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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