Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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