Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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