Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
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