Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
