Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
