i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize