i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
