If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
