She tied me up with her honor cords...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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