my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
