so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
