last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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