I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
