now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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