If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
