I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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