you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
