So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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