What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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