He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
