Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
