Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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