Quick, to the slutcave!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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